Endings are never easy. I always build them up so much in my head that they can’t possibly live up to my expectations and I just end up disappointed. I’m not even sure why it matters to me so much how things end. I guess it’s because we all want to believe that what we do is very important. That people hang on to our every word, that they care what we think. The truth is, you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone, feel a little better. As my mind drifted to faces I’ve seen before, I was taken to memories of family, of coworkers, of lost loves… even of those who have left us. And as I rounded that corner they all came at me in a wave of shared experience. And even though it felt warm and safe, I knew it had to end. It’s never good to live in the past too long. The future can be whatever I want it to be. And who’s to say this isn’t what happens? Who can tell me that my fantasies won’t come true, just this once?
I'll just cut to the chase: I somehow, someway, suck at endings. I don't think there ever was an ending in any part of my life which did not leave me disappointed. Be it my high school graduation, my last moments in my provincial organization, or my college's recognition rites. After each and every one of it, I end up with a feeling that somehow resembles disappointment.
At first, I thought it was because, like what the quote above said, I build up these endings so much in my head that they can not possibly live up to what I have envisioned them to be. You know what they usually say, "Don't expect, because it'll only get you disappointed." The usual.
So recently, I tried to change my mind set, my approach to these 'endings'. I lowered my expectations, and heck, even attempted to not expect anything at all. I didn't think of any situation, I didn't make up any sequence of events and the like.
But recently I realized that wasn't the case. I still felt bad, and instead of disappointment, I think what I was feeling the whole time was emptiness. There was no emotion, at all. It seems like at every ending I encounter, I have no emotional attachment to these things that are ending, or maybe more specifically, to the persons involved in whatever was ending. I used to think that no one cares for me, even if I care so much. But now, I feel like it is me who has a problem with caring. I feel like I care too much just for myself.
One more thought. When I looked at my friends feeling the moment of the recognition rites while I was just standing there, a thought popped into my mind. Could it be that the reason why I don't feel any of these endings is that because, there are no endings for me. What do I mean by that? Actually, two things.
First, and the darker thought among the two: There are no endings for me because there weren't anything to end to begin with. To put more detail into it, most people get all these emotions from the ties that they have built with whatever is ending; the institution and more specially the people connected with it. Emotions are on a high because of the bond that they have forged with their friends. How can I feel any of those emotions during endings, if there are no bonds in the first place?
Second, and a much more positive outlook: There are no endings for me because, a part of me, believes that this is not the end yet. So why would I get all emotional when deep inside my mind, even if I am not fully aware of it, I honestly believe that this is not yet the end. Yes, sure, things would change. But they always do. And maybe, just maybe, the thought that things are always changing makes me believe that things wouldn't end just because there would be changes. Since I believe that things aren't ending yet, there is no ending for me then, and thus, none much of these emotions during such instances.
So which of the two would I prefer to believe at? Well definitely the second one! I guess it is counterproductive to believe at the first one, because really, what would one get from thinking in such a way?
Anyway, sorry for this negative post / rant. I just really needed to get that off of my chest. This is the fifth night that I would be spending all by myself, and trust me, it sucks. I never really felt the sting of truly being alone until yesterday, when I was sick and all, and yet I was all alone. Sucks I know, but hey, you know what they say. Nowhere to go but up!
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Playing on the Background:
Halik by Kamikazee:
"Pagnawala dun lang mamimiss.."
Mariposa by Sugarfree:
"Ayoko ng mag-isa, ayoko ng mag-isa, ayoko na na na na..."
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