Trolli

“Trolli”

“The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly”

He only wanted the best for her.

He only wanted to be there for her.

He only wanted to make her smile.

Now, he only wants to even just be able to say hi.

“This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting every time.”

Everything started out without the slightest hint of what is to come. He looked at her as if he was looking at ice. He thought nothing of their first meeting. Business as usual as they can come. He gave her instructions, she gave him reports. He sent her a message, she replied with one. Just the typical day-to-day interactions.

But as days turned to weeks, so did things changed unbeknown to both of them. He gave her reminders, she responded with stories. He sent her more messages, she replied to each one. The smiles turned genuine, and the laughter started to come. And as he saw them shining in the dark power-deprived room, he wasn’t looking at ice anymore, he was looking at her eyes. He was looking at her eyes as if they were diamond stars on the night sky. Gleaming with the warm light of comfort, hope, and sweetness, his heart frozen in time was being thawed, hidden to all.

Words became sentences, minutes became hours, secrets became nothing between them. He pushed her forward, she pulled him up. A friendship that will pass through all hardships, a connection that shall beat time, and a bond as real as any. They were there for each other…

…even if they weren’t supposed to be.

“So you sailed away, into the gray sky morning.”

Things ended, but not in the way he wanted it to, not in the way any of them wanted to. His lasting memory of her was him was gazing into her eyes, an image now entrenched into the deepest parts of his soul. Things got out of hand, and everything just came crashing down. He only wanted to make her smile, but it was too late when he realized he was actually causing her pain.  He only wanted to be there for her, but he never really became who she wanted him to be. He only wanted the best for her, but in the process, he stopped being good to her. It’s too late when he realized that the eyes have turned into ice.

“Sometimes, in our quest to be the best, we forget to be good.”

He wanted to be everything to her, now he is all but nothing – nothing more to her but a spectre of a painful past. And he’s got no one to blame but himself for how things unfolded. Surely this is not what he intended to have happened, but it is what it is. In his quest of wanting to be the best for her, he forgot to be good to her, and even to himself. He forgot about the things that crafted their bond to begin with. He forgot what made him a pillar of strength to her, and instead became a towering mass of rock that did nothing but burden her. He failed to fill himself with love first, and instead started spewing out toxic fumes that started to choke her out. The connection had to be severed, lest things become even worse, and only then did he realized what he has done. He has hurt the one person he vowed to never hurt, and he’s got no one but himself to fault for it.

While he is at peace – or as much as he could be – with how things have worked out, he can’t help but wish and hope and pray, that one day, he’d be able to say hi again. For them to share a few laughs every now and then. For him to see her smile back at him just like back then. Or even to just be able to say hi. Yes, that would be more than enough for him. To be able to say hi.

As all that he can do now is sigh.

Thinking Out Loud: My Life and My Penultimate Why

Why?

This is probably the question that most people dislike among the 5Ws and 1H. Ask me the who, what, when, where, and how, just don’t ask me the why. Why? (ha!) Most probably because it requires the most effort, and let’s be honest here, if we can be kings and queens without exerting a drop of effort, all of us would be fine with that. Yet, I loved asking why.

I was a curious boy ever since. That is probably the first trait of mine that I remember so vividly. I keep on asking why. I keep on wanting to explore the world for answers. Among all questions, those seeking for reasons intrigued me the most. While I enjoyed learning about who did what, or how things worked, what piqued my interest the most was why things happen, why things work, why things exist. Bakit one plus one equals two? Bakit lalabas yung lamig pag iniwan nakabukas yung pinto sa aircon na kwarto? Bakit nag ibang bansa pa si Rizal? Bakit nag break-up yung Eraserheads? Bakit nakahubad si Oble? Bakit masakit makaapak ng lego? Bakit? 

That questioned stayed with me as I grew older. I kept on asking why. Heck, the original name of this blog was “The Bakitlist”. It wouldn’t be outrageous to say that my life one way or the other revolved around the question why. Most of the time, I was able to find the answers. 

     " It wouldn’t be outrageous to say that my life, one way or the other, revolved around the question why."

Books became a reliable ally. Our home had one little room filled with all kinds of books, from trivia books to encyclopaedias. Why does it rain? Open the book about science. Why do firemen wear red? Get me that book about firemen and their history. 

Then, the internet arrived and it felt like a blessing from the skies. It’s like having a million books at my fingertips! Why do people think that the moon landings were faked? Click! Why is the Leaning Tower of Pisa leaning? Click search! Why do ostrich bury their head in the sand? They don’t but I’m feeling luck so click! 

Finally, smart phones bursts to the scene and it is nothing but the greatest invention ever. Now I can answer my why questions anywhere, anytime! I was getting the answers for all but a few whys. At this point, you are probably asking, why am I saying all of these?

Every now and then, I ask a few close friends of mine the question – “What does it feel like to meet or realize that you have finally met ‘The One’?” Cheesy question, I know, but the answers, while very varied, are just all equally amazing and sweet. 

“Feels like going home and your dog waiting for you at home, only this dog loves playing DOTA”, as one of them puts it. Another one says, “It’s like riding a roller coaster.”, while one gives a heartfelt answer of “It’s like realizing you now have something you can’t afford to lose.” One way or the other, there answers reflected a part of who they are: from a dog lover, to a thrill seeker, to someone who’s just really clingy (in a good way!). 

I ask those questions because I’ve always been curious as to that particular peculiar feeling. Who makes you feel that why? How does it feel? What does it feel like? Why does it make you feel as such? My soon to be 27 year young life has yet to find any semblance of answer to this question. But if you were to point a gun to my head and ask me to think of how I’d feel – my answers probably would be the following: enlightened, relieved, thankful.

It bugs me that I can’t answer some of the questions lingering in my mind. I recognize that I can’t learn and understand everything, especially those dealing with the more complex stuff the world has to offer. I’d be fine with my questions not being answered in those instances – what irate me the most are questions about myself that I can’t seem to answer. Bakit ako nagsisipag? Bakit ako nag-aaral? Bakit ko pinagbubutihan? Bakit biglaan? Bakit ba kailangan? Bakit nararamdaman? Bakit ako? Bakit hindi ako? Bakit hindi na lang ako?

I never can’t seem to understand why I am doing what I am doing with my life at certain points of it. I look around a number of my friends and I can see why they are doing what they are doing – because they want to be a lawyer, or a doctor, or to start their own company. But what about me? Why am I doing all of these?

This is where finally meeting her comes into play. I’d feel enlightened looking at her as I finally know why I have worked so hard all the years. I would feel relieved as my hands hold hers as I finally get the answer why no other hand fit mine. Thankful I would be as her head lies on my shoulder and I finally get to answer why I was made to wait and prepare myself all these years. It would be among the greatest feeling I would ever feel.

Why?

Because I’ve finally met my life, and the answer to my penultimate why.

- - -

#NowPlaying

Bakit Pt. 1 – Mayonnaise

Bakit Pt. 2 (2014 Version) – Mayonnaise

Why – Avril Lavigne

Bookmark: Captain Hydra? A Fan's Reaction to Marvel's Latest Twist

In a world whose reality relies on the minds and hands of a select group of people, breaking continuity shouldn't surprise anyone. There are a few constants in the comic book world. Bruce Wanyne's parents gets shot and he becomes the Dark Knight. Uncle Ben dies but not before talking to Peter about responsibility which he keeps in mind as he becomes your friendly neighborhood Spiderman. Kal-El is a Kyrptonian alien raised in Smallville as Clark Kent and eventually becomes the Man of Steel. Steve Rogers lives for the American Ideals and becomes Captain America to fight HYDRA forev---wait,, WHAT?

HOLY DOCTOR STRANGEFATE!

Thank you Amalgam universe!

Unless you've been living under a rock (or somewhere without WIFI, or if you simply did not LOOK AT THE PICTURE ABOVE), then I bet you've already heard about Marvel Comic's latest twist - Captain America was a HYDRA agent all along. Cue dramatic music. *dun-dun-duun-duuun*

Now before moving forward, fair warning, I am NOT a comic book expert. Those guys are on a totally different level. I think, however, that I am more knowledgeable than the regular fan. So with that out of the way, here is a simple fan's reaction to this whole 'Captain-America-is-HYDRA' fiasco.

It is an asspull.

There is no other way to put it, at least as of this moment, this latest development is nothing short of an asspull. What is an asspull? Asspull is the trope that refers to events that happen in a storyline that comes out of nowhere with little to no foreshadowing at all. In short, it was pulled out of the you-know-what. Prominent examples can be seen through various fictional universes, such as Yugi of Yu-Gi-Oh! drawing and using a card for the first time at just the right exact time, or a random technique or character out of nowhere appearing to solve a plot - hence it being referred to as plot-no-jutsu by the series' fans.

Captain America as a HYDRA agent was never foreshadowed in all of the years and decades that he existed. No single line or panel to allure to this, no mysterious scene or open-ended-scenario that suggest this. Nothing.

Now the writers of the current Captain America storyline has gone into record saying that the next few volumes would show the signs and proof that show that Cap' was a HYDRA agent all along. But let's be honest here, this wasn't part of who Cap' was when he was created. Even the writers said that the idea began in 2014. So if any, they had two years more or less to lay the grounds for this reveal. Everything else that happened before that? They just have to retroactively redefine it to fit this revelation.

That being said, it being an asspull is not the be-all and end-all when it comes to the quality of the story. We'd get back to this in a while, but for now, let's just say that...

Marvel's got some serious balls.

The comic book universe, be it DC or Marvel or Japanese manga, is not new to world-shattering events. There are comic book events that are so significant that they are talked about even in the real world. Superman dies in his battle against Doomsday, Batman is killed by Darkseid, Joker killing the second Robin - Jason Todd thanks to fan votes, Cap dies during the end of the first Civil War storyline. To go through with such significant plots - which needless to say could easily backfire on the publishing company - requires serious guts. But let's break it down, shall we?

(1) Comic Book Deaths nearly mean nothing.

Almost all significant comic book character that died came back alive. Superman dead at the hands of Doomsday? Nope. Batman killed by Darkseid? He was actually sent back in time. Jason Todd killed by the Joker? He comes back to the Bat-family as the Red Hood. And obviously, Steve Rogers didn't stay dead. It seems like Gwen Stacy is the only significant character that stayed dead *sobs*. Captain being part of HYDRA is not a death story though.

(2) Most of these events only affect the story moving forward.

Those "deaths" mostly only affect the future of the comic book universe. We ask questions like "What will the world be without Superman?", "Without Batman, who shall look over Gotham City?". 

But these latest twist to Captain America's history not just affects his future, but also goes to question EVERYTHING that he has done in the past. Doesn't this essentially mean that everything he stood for was nothing but a lie? This is like saying Bruce Wayne arranged for his parents to get shot so that he could get all the Wayne fortune for himself or that Tony Stark wasn't a genius at all and is just stealing all his tech from A.I.M. 

So yeah, Marvel's got some guts, but the question is...

How far will they take this Captain America-HYDRA storyline?

Let's be real here. Cap' won't stay as a villain. After a few months or a year or two, he'd return as the hero who once punched Adolf Hitler square in the face. That is for sure. These characters are staples of comic book lore. Besides, very few comic book characters are synonymous to their alter egos. Superman will always be Clark Kent/Kal-El. Batman will always be Bruce Wayne, Spiderman is always going to be Peter Parker, and recently largely thanks to the movies, Iron Man is always going to be Tony Stark. If the world's most famous sidekick, Dick Grayson-Robin, couldn't take over the mantle of his mentor full time (publication-wise), then I bet no one could take over the mantle of the other equally-significant superheroes. This is just to shake things up. It makes for good business you know?

But knowing that he is never going to stay at the dark side doesn't mean we can't enjoy it can we? Now it is now a question of just how far will they take this storyline to? With Civil War II coming out soon, will this revelation factor into his actions in that story? Was he the primary reason why HYDRA just can't seem to die? Will Captain eventually kill people, or even superheroes, as part of HYDRA?

They can still pull off a good story with this. Cap' wasn't the first hero-turned-villain that eventually became good again. Hal Jordan, the greatest Green Lantern of all time, once became Paralax, one of the biggest villain during that time. It made for compelling stories, then eventually he returned to becoming a Lantern. It could be done. It has been done. The question now is how will Marvel pull this off? Will they go with the double-agent twist were he is part of HYDRA just to destroy it within (the most obvious story choice at the moment) or will they go with something deeper?

I for one am intrigued with this story that Marvel is about to tell. I know that a lot are up in arms and feeling slighted by this twist, feeling that the current authors are being disrespectful to the history of Captain America. While there may be a chance of this story doing irreparable damage to Cap's character, I won't be too quick to judge. I'd wait for this story to unfold first, as Marvel has a chance to tell a story that could become a classic that would be talked upon for years to come. A story so good that telling people about is something that, as Cap put it, 

Is Steve Rogers-Captain America being a HYDRA agent all along the real life?

Or is this just fantasy?

Thinking Out Loud: Sports IS Life

Scratches and bruises.

Blood, sweat, and tears.

Aching muscles and sprained ankles.

With all of these, why would sports be life?

There is something I find unique in sports. Be it actually playing the games or just sitting back and watching everything unfold, sports brings out an unquestionable amount of energy and spirit in me. The thrill of trying to score or defending the opposing team's ace player. The mental aspect that goes on a batter-pitcher match up. The anticipation of seeing the first goal of the match. The sigh of relief after your shot was declared in by mere millimeters. Very little compares.

And that is not even taking into account if you come out a winner or not.

Thinking Out Loud: Muted Voices

It was 5:46 PM, and as the sun sets as I ride home, I plugged my earphones in and drowned myself into the sounds of OPM. I fell asleep as my mind wandered through the tunes of the Eraserheads, Itchyworms, and Up Dharma Down, among others. I woke up hearing the following line,

"Apat na oras tayong nagbabad sa telepono. Inabutan na tayo ng umaga no'n."  

That line is from Telepono of Sugarfree. I bet most of us would be able to relate to that. In the days before smart phones, laptops, and even mobile phones, we'd spend hours and hours on the telephone line and even sometimes until the wee hours. You can't deny it but there is just something else in hearing someone else's voice. It feels like you get to know the person more once you hear their voice over the phone.

But that was years ago. Nowadays, it feels like such instances are as rare as traffic-free-EDSA days. Even with mobile phones and 24 by 7 connectivity, it feels like people are more inclined to talk via text messages and chat instead of talking to each other.

Image from scheppel.deviantart.com

What happened? What the heck happened to all of us? Are we more content in talking virtually with each other now? The thrill of hearing the voice of someone and the emotions deep in it are all gone. 

Gone are the way we feel their each and every word. Not anymore can you feel the excitement course through the words that they are speaking as they talk about how awesome their day was, or your heart melt from the sweetness that could only come from their voice as they start to drift into sleep, or your soul break down as the mellowness of what they say reflect the shitty day they just had. There is a real and significant difference between reading and hearing words, from a simple "Hi!" all the way to "I love you."

We desire connection but this led to us being disconnected. We hear each other more often but we all lost our voices. We all kept in touch, but our hands rarely meet each other now.

Yes, I recognize that the times have changed. There was a time when hearing someone's voice over any kind of object seemed impossible. There was already a time when we have already relied on reading words instead of listening to them - back when we communicated via written letters and mail. There might have even been a time where we primarily relied on body language. But that only further shows the one thing that seems to be missing nowadays - the human factor.

We wrote letters with our own hands with our own handwriting in our own style. We spoke words with our own voices in a manner that is unique to each one of us. We had our own particular gestures to show what we are thinking and what we are feeling.

But all of that is essentially lost if everything is run through the internet and other similar forms of connection. Heck, even with this piece that I am writing, I bet you wouldn't have imagined me waiving my hands all over the place while singing along to Words by Boyzone.

It's just not complete. It's not the same. It's not living life as much as we could. When it all comes down to it, we are living in a world dominated by 1s and 0s, when it could be so much more.

So I ask you, in this world of missing emotions and muted voices, is this the real life?

Or is this just fantasy?

(This piece is partly inspired by an amazing work by one of my favorite writers. You can check her latest work, "Definitely, Maybe: Love in the Age of Social Media" right here. Go check it out guys!)

Eulogy - The Bakit Lists End?

98 days.

It's been 98 days since my last post.

I think I need to change some things in my life. And in line with this, it is with a heavy heart that I need to inform all of you (though I have no idea at all how may all of you are) that I am retiring The Bakit List.

I wish there was an easier way to do this, but there is simply none.

Time flew so fast. And this incidentally is the 100th post in this blog. I've shared a lot of things to all of you through all the years, be it rants, random rumblings, or meaningful thoughts. I think this blog has been running for years already. I actually can't fathom that.

I'm left asking, is this the real life?

Bus Window Reflections (02/18/2016): On Politics (gulp!) and more

The struggle is real.

Balancing work, school, and whatever is left of my social life is indeed a challenging proposition. That is why I've been on and off in posting here. But for the who-knows-how-many-already time, I'd try to post here a lot more often.

1.) A countdown. The prime time news shows have countdowns to the May 10 elections similar to what they have for Christmas. It is kind of neat, in a way, I think. 

Really, this is a struggle. See how I can't write much anymore?