Thinking Out Loud: My Life and My Penultimate Why

Why?

This is probably the question that most people dislike among the 5Ws and 1H. Ask me the who, what, when, where, and how, just don’t ask me the why. Why? (ha!) Most probably because it requires the most effort, and let’s be honest here, if we can be kings and queens without exerting a drop of effort, all of us would be fine with that. Yet, I loved asking why.

I was a curious boy ever since. That is probably the first trait of mine that I remember so vividly. I keep on asking why. I keep on wanting to explore the world for answers. Among all questions, those seeking for reasons intrigued me the most. While I enjoyed learning about who did what, or how things worked, what piqued my interest the most was why things happen, why things work, why things exist. Bakit one plus one equals two? Bakit lalabas yung lamig pag iniwan nakabukas yung pinto sa aircon na kwarto? Bakit nag ibang bansa pa si Rizal? Bakit nag break-up yung Eraserheads? Bakit nakahubad si Oble? Bakit masakit makaapak ng lego? Bakit? 

That questioned stayed with me as I grew older. I kept on asking why. Heck, the original name of this blog was “The Bakitlist”. It wouldn’t be outrageous to say that my life one way or the other revolved around the question why. Most of the time, I was able to find the answers. 

     " It wouldn’t be outrageous to say that my life, one way or the other, revolved around the question why."

Books became a reliable ally. Our home had one little room filled with all kinds of books, from trivia books to encyclopaedias. Why does it rain? Open the book about science. Why do firemen wear red? Get me that book about firemen and their history. 

Then, the internet arrived and it felt like a blessing from the skies. It’s like having a million books at my fingertips! Why do people think that the moon landings were faked? Click! Why is the Leaning Tower of Pisa leaning? Click search! Why do ostrich bury their head in the sand? They don’t but I’m feeling luck so click! 

Finally, smart phones bursts to the scene and it is nothing but the greatest invention ever. Now I can answer my why questions anywhere, anytime! I was getting the answers for all but a few whys. At this point, you are probably asking, why am I saying all of these?

Every now and then, I ask a few close friends of mine the question – “What does it feel like to meet or realize that you have finally met ‘The One’?” Cheesy question, I know, but the answers, while very varied, are just all equally amazing and sweet. 

“Feels like going home and your dog waiting for you at home, only this dog loves playing DOTA”, as one of them puts it. Another one says, “It’s like riding a roller coaster.”, while one gives a heartfelt answer of “It’s like realizing you now have something you can’t afford to lose.” One way or the other, there answers reflected a part of who they are: from a dog lover, to a thrill seeker, to someone who’s just really clingy (in a good way!). 

I ask those questions because I’ve always been curious as to that particular peculiar feeling. Who makes you feel that why? How does it feel? What does it feel like? Why does it make you feel as such? My soon to be 27 year young life has yet to find any semblance of answer to this question. But if you were to point a gun to my head and ask me to think of how I’d feel – my answers probably would be the following: enlightened, relieved, thankful.

It bugs me that I can’t answer some of the questions lingering in my mind. I recognize that I can’t learn and understand everything, especially those dealing with the more complex stuff the world has to offer. I’d be fine with my questions not being answered in those instances – what irate me the most are questions about myself that I can’t seem to answer. Bakit ako nagsisipag? Bakit ako nag-aaral? Bakit ko pinagbubutihan? Bakit biglaan? Bakit ba kailangan? Bakit nararamdaman? Bakit ako? Bakit hindi ako? Bakit hindi na lang ako?

I never can’t seem to understand why I am doing what I am doing with my life at certain points of it. I look around a number of my friends and I can see why they are doing what they are doing – because they want to be a lawyer, or a doctor, or to start their own company. But what about me? Why am I doing all of these?

This is where finally meeting her comes into play. I’d feel enlightened looking at her as I finally know why I have worked so hard all the years. I would feel relieved as my hands hold hers as I finally get the answer why no other hand fit mine. Thankful I would be as her head lies on my shoulder and I finally get to answer why I was made to wait and prepare myself all these years. It would be among the greatest feeling I would ever feel.

Why?

Because I’ve finally met my life, and the answer to my penultimate why.

- - -

#NowPlaying

Bakit Pt. 1 – Mayonnaise

Bakit Pt. 2 (2014 Version) – Mayonnaise

Why – Avril Lavigne

Thinking Out Loud: Sports IS Life

Scratches and bruises.

Blood, sweat, and tears.

Aching muscles and sprained ankles.

With all of these, why would sports be life?

There is something I find unique in sports. Be it actually playing the games or just sitting back and watching everything unfold, sports brings out an unquestionable amount of energy and spirit in me. The thrill of trying to score or defending the opposing team's ace player. The mental aspect that goes on a batter-pitcher match up. The anticipation of seeing the first goal of the match. The sigh of relief after your shot was declared in by mere millimeters. Very little compares.

And that is not even taking into account if you come out a winner or not.

Thinking Out Loud: Muted Voices

It was 5:46 PM, and as the sun sets as I ride home, I plugged my earphones in and drowned myself into the sounds of OPM. I fell asleep as my mind wandered through the tunes of the Eraserheads, Itchyworms, and Up Dharma Down, among others. I woke up hearing the following line,

"Apat na oras tayong nagbabad sa telepono. Inabutan na tayo ng umaga no'n."  

That line is from Telepono of Sugarfree. I bet most of us would be able to relate to that. In the days before smart phones, laptops, and even mobile phones, we'd spend hours and hours on the telephone line and even sometimes until the wee hours. You can't deny it but there is just something else in hearing someone else's voice. It feels like you get to know the person more once you hear their voice over the phone.

But that was years ago. Nowadays, it feels like such instances are as rare as traffic-free-EDSA days. Even with mobile phones and 24 by 7 connectivity, it feels like people are more inclined to talk via text messages and chat instead of talking to each other.

Image from scheppel.deviantart.com

What happened? What the heck happened to all of us? Are we more content in talking virtually with each other now? The thrill of hearing the voice of someone and the emotions deep in it are all gone. 

Gone are the way we feel their each and every word. Not anymore can you feel the excitement course through the words that they are speaking as they talk about how awesome their day was, or your heart melt from the sweetness that could only come from their voice as they start to drift into sleep, or your soul break down as the mellowness of what they say reflect the shitty day they just had. There is a real and significant difference between reading and hearing words, from a simple "Hi!" all the way to "I love you."

We desire connection but this led to us being disconnected. We hear each other more often but we all lost our voices. We all kept in touch, but our hands rarely meet each other now.

Yes, I recognize that the times have changed. There was a time when hearing someone's voice over any kind of object seemed impossible. There was already a time when we have already relied on reading words instead of listening to them - back when we communicated via written letters and mail. There might have even been a time where we primarily relied on body language. But that only further shows the one thing that seems to be missing nowadays - the human factor.

We wrote letters with our own hands with our own handwriting in our own style. We spoke words with our own voices in a manner that is unique to each one of us. We had our own particular gestures to show what we are thinking and what we are feeling.

But all of that is essentially lost if everything is run through the internet and other similar forms of connection. Heck, even with this piece that I am writing, I bet you wouldn't have imagined me waiving my hands all over the place while singing along to Words by Boyzone.

It's just not complete. It's not the same. It's not living life as much as we could. When it all comes down to it, we are living in a world dominated by 1s and 0s, when it could be so much more.

So I ask you, in this world of missing emotions and muted voices, is this the real life?

Or is this just fantasy?

(This piece is partly inspired by an amazing work by one of my favorite writers. You can check her latest work, "Definitely, Maybe: Love in the Age of Social Media" right here. Go check it out guys!)

Thinking Out Loud: Going Beyond Excellence

I said I’d write a lot more about this, and here I am, writing about it, a month or so later. I imagine writing this as some sort of speech (because if you don’t notice, I have a thing for public speaking) but since I don’t really have a live audience, I decided to just put it up here in my blog.

I’d like to start this by once again saying thank you. Thank you to our Lord for this blessing, thank you to the agency for the recognition.

This award may say a lot of different things, but most common of them all probably is “You were excellent during this quarter.”

Me.

Excellent.

This Quarter.

But I think it goes beyond that.

Thinking Out Loud: Five, five, and Twenty.

" Remember the Kuroda Equation:

5 starts when everything works

5 starts when nothing works

20 starts where it is up to you."

    The above so-called Kuroda Equation refers to starts by pitchers in baseball. Basically, it says that there would be games where you have your best stuff and the opponents have no chance and they just need to tip their hat to you, then there would be games when nothing works for you, and then the rest of the games where you have to figure out what you have and don't have, and work with that knowledge. 

   Translating it to real life, there would be days when you feel like you are on the top of the world, and then there would be days where you feel like the whole world is shitting on you. But, and this is the important part, majority of the days would depend on you (hence, 5-5-20). Will you be a winner today or a loser? Will you be happy or sad? Successful or not? 

   It all depends on you. Because while there might be good or bad days brought upon by external factors, like luck, coincidence, and the like, a big chunk of your days success rests upon your shoulders.

   So, will you be a winner or a loser today? The choice is up to you.

Thinking Out Loud: Angas!

Bakit ka bumibili ng UP shirt?

I am a proud graduate (and currently graduate student) of the University of the Philippines. That much should be obvious. But during my sever-year stay at the campus as an undergraduate student, I only bought one UP shirt and one UP jacket.

My reason? I don't feel wearing a UP shirt while i'm in the campus. It just feels..repetitive. But boy oh boy, once I graduated my list of UP apparels ballooned!

Only but a few of my UP shirts. Only the one in the rightmost came from my undergrad years

I got all kinds of shirts! Different colors, different types. From simple, straight-up shirts:

What could be more straight-up than Honor and Excellence?

To witty and funny ones:

..and promptly shout 'Hugot!'

But why do I buy UP shirts? I have four personal reasons and i'm going to elaborate them after the jump!

Thinking Out Loud: Love is Not A Word Reserved Only For Sweet Romance

Bakit mo mahal?

"Love is not a word reserved only for sweet romance"

That comes from the song Slip Out by the fictional band Beck from the anime series Beck.

I just feel like that there is this ever increasing notion that love is something that is reserved for the romantic kind, that love is only between loving couples. The truth couldn't be further from the truth.

Last weekend, I went to Quezon City to attend an event my college organization was a part-organizer, part-participant. I am making a conscious effort to visit QC and my friends there more often as a part of my recharging process (as you know, I have started studying again last January), and so far the results have been stellar. I used to thought that it was merely due to a change in scenery, but the truth is much...warmer.

The reason I get to recharge my internal batteries (as I call them) is due to being around people I love, and that love me as well. Now don't get me wrong, I have people I like and love at the office, and being around your family in a daily basis is a great thing that fills me with love on an everyday basis! But having this different kind of love sip in me is highly therapeutic! So yeah, I guess it is a change of scenery. Confusing? 

Anyway, the point is, I love these people! And it actually feels great to say you love someone without it needing to be about romance. You just love them. That simple! To give and receive love this simple and free of complications is very gratifying and really satisfying. See, love does not need to come with pain and unconditional suffering and tears and grief all the time. Love is a wonderful thing, and this is one of the best ways to see it in that light.

So this post is for all those people that I love. If you are reading this and you feel like I am talking about you, then I am indeed talking about you! Pero dahil naniniwala tayo na 'Don't assume unless otherwise stated', I'll state some of you explicitly!

(Pero wag magtampo kung wala kayo dito. This is based on those that I was with last Sunday and I have very limited time right now. Plus if I include all of you, this would be one long post. Don't worry, I'd make a more comprehensive post at some other time in the future)

Milky my prodigy, Klai my little sister that bullies me often, James my gunpla bro, Myan my morning clubmate since 2010, Adre my partner-in-TangwayBondingNights, Alex the Great Radical Thinker, TheDinar, President Uzzi, The Roj-Mia-Ange triumvirate, Mar my brithday bro (kahit wala ka dun), The every beautiful Nisay and our talks about her awesome thesis, Jeff and his smiles, the duo of Lem and Dags, and even the new ones like Agano-we-make-great-speech-coaches, Rica-heres-a-Magnum-kasi-di-ka-sumama and Emma Rose-HugotPaMore-Alvarez. 

I probably missed some names (like most Oscar acceptance speeches) and I apologize in advance. But to all of those names above and more, I love you all.

Thinking Out Loud: My Sword for thy Kingdom

     Noble, gallant, and magnanimous. 

     He who would fight for what is righteous.  He would stand up for you, and will always have your back. He won’t let you get weary; chivalry is something he won’t lack. For you, he’d open and hold doors, he’d walk you home every night, his heart would be truly yours, with his shining armor he is your knight.

Who wouldn’t want to be that guy?

Me. I wouldn’t want to be that guy.

Unless that guy is the dark KNIGHT in the iron man ARMOR!

     Now don’t get me wrong. I actually grew up with the idea of being the proverbial knight in shining armor. I’d do anything for the girl I love! But something made me think otherwise.

     I was watching this anime entitled “No Game No Life” and just a quick synopsis; it is about a brother-sister video game team called ‘Blank’ which is arguably the best in winning games. They get transported into this alternate world where everything is decided by games, and early in the series they become the King and Queen of the human kingdom in that world. While the main focus is still the elder brother, Sora, he wouldn’t be able to do even a fraction of what Blank achieved without his little sister Shiro. In other words, they complemented each other towards dominance. The girl did not blindly depended on the guy. Instead, they became a source of strength for each other.

    So why can’t this be applicable to couples as well?

    When I said I wouldn’t want to be that guy, I didn’t mean that I would be a big douche bag bad boy who won’t respect or care women. Far from it actually. I’d still treat her with the utmost respect and admiration, but rather than treat her like a trophy, I’d prefer to treat her like how she should be treated; a partner, an equal or heck, even someone who is actually better than me! Some guys might not have the guts to say that, or have their “manliness” threatened by having an actually awesome girlfriend/wife, but not me! It’s a different kind of awesome to see an independent and strong, yet still sweet and caring, woman. Forget about being a knight in whatever kind of armor, I want to be the King who rules over his mighty kingdom, side by side with his queen. I don’t want us to be Mario and Princess Peach, Prince Charming and a Disney Princess, or Naruto and Sakura. I want to be a freaking emperor with her being my empress, both ruling over this awesome empire.

     I grew up wanting to be the knight in shining armor. Maybe it is time for the knight to grow and become a king as well.

Not a knight, but a king.

Not a damsel in distress, but a powerful queen.

Not a male-only-solo-act, but a power couple with a pact.

Thinking Out Loud: The Thing Is..

"Who said anything about moving on?"

The thing about advises is this: They are both right and wrong.

The people that give these advises are those that have been through a lot, those rich with experience. Or they could be the nosy know-it-all types. Nonetheless, they are giving these advises based on what they saw with their own two eyes. They have seen it happen before, be it in their own lives or in the lives of those around them. That's why these all these advises are right.

That is also why they are wrong.

Remember, they are basing their advice on their own experiences. Unless they can somehow read your mind, or experience what you are going through, or get to know all your memories, they wouldn't know the full details of whatever you are going through.

As simple as that.

Each and every experience is unique on their own right. No two experiences will ever be the same. Sure there could be similarities, heck, there could be a lot of similarities, but in the end, they will never be one and the same.

The bottom line: Take these advises for what they are, advises. They are not the gospel truth, or are they universally correct. You do not have to follow it to the point. Dissect these advises because there would be nuggets of wisdom in their, but their is no need to let these advises make the decisions for you. You decided what you do. You make your own path. Besides, at the end, it is you who would be affected of whatever you choose to do.

True happiness can only be achieved with peace. Peace of mind goes a long way into putting a smile to your face. You don't what to live a life of what ifs. Be at peace with your decisions.

Thinking Out Loud: New Year's Resolution? How 'bout No.

"Why write a New Year's Resolution?"

A few days ago I posted on Facebook that instead of having a new year's resolution for 2014, i'd have a set of goals to accomplish in 2014 instead. So below I listed 10 of my goals for 2014. I have much more than ten goals for the upcoming year though, but I only listed ten of them because (1) some of them are just really small and minor goals, (2) some of those goals can fit under any of the 10 I listed, and (3) some of those goals are really personal and I rather keep those to myself.

Finally, I'd include a piece of commentary after each goal. Just because.

Here are 10 of my goals for 2014, in no particular order.

[] Begin with my graduate studies.
    -This is a MUST. Honestly, I want to start with this as early as possible. I already spent an additional two years in college. Not that I think those are wasted years, it's just that, I feel like I'm being left behind. If I want to have a good position by the time I am 30, then taking post-graduate studies must be done ASAP.

[] Climb up to the peek of Mt. Tarak (without incurring sprains or cramps)
    -So I though I was fit eh? Nope. That mountain slapped me across the face and nearly took my life (for real). But I ain't backing down. I need to get my self in shape, or rather in better shape. I shall conquer you Tarak, and I shall do it standing up. 

[] Maintain a weight that is not significantly above 170 lbs and not below 165 lbs.
    -Part of the getting in better shape. Actually, if I'm around 175 lbs, i'm still on normal weight. But I guess a lot of those are fat. Time to burn those fat and turn it into muscle mass! Challenge Accepted!

[] Learn at least one new skill.
    -Learning never stops. I want to learn one new thing this coming year, rather, I should learn one new thing. It could be learning to play a musical instrument, or something even more complex, or more simple. The thing is to learn something new.

[] Improve on at least one current skill.
    -Acquiring new skills is not enough. One should also improve on those skills that one already has. We wouldn't want to be a Jack of All Trades, Master of None, right? 

[] Restart my collections of caps and GunPlaMo (Gundam Plastic Models).
   -Now that I have a job, it would be easier to continue these collections. But I can't go all out. Why? You'll find out in a bit.

[] Save enough to buy a new camera, and a PS4.
   -I've long wanted to have a DSLR camera, so this is something that I want to buy for myself. As for the Playstation 4, I'm not sure If i'll buy it on my own or my brother would help me out with it, but we are really targeting to have a PS4 by around the middle of 2014.

[] Save at least P100,000.00 by the end of 2014.
   -This one is for the future. As early as now, I want to start saving for my future family (I would have one, right? right guys? guys...?)

[] Learn more about investing in the stock market.
   -Again, one for the future. And no, this doesn't count under the "Learn a new skill" goal. My dad has always asked me to learn more about the stock market, and that investing in it could be a better decision than just putting your money in the bank. So in relation to preparing for my future, and my family, I ought to learn about this. Hey, i've got nothing to lose.

[] Go to a place I have never been to before (outside of Region 3)
    -I am generally a stay-at-home guy. There would only be a handful of people in the world that can get me to go to places with them. That being said, I like to explore more. So I'd like to go to somewhere far, and somewhere I've never been to before. 

Thinking Out Loud: 10-13-3

Why do you like someone?

Do you initially like them for how they look, or for what kind of person they are?

Do you believe in faith, destiny, and serendipity, or do you just think everything is just a big coincidence?

~

A lot of people kept telling me about this certain girl. That this girl is awesome. They tell me she's beautiful, but never had they managed to show me a picture of her. They didn't even described her. What they told me about her instead is more on the kind of person she is. They told me her name, and that she is one good person. That she is an intelligent person, and a graduate of a prestigious university. And some other things that I can't really remember. Bottom line, if you could get to like a person even before seeing a glimpse of them, this would be probably one of those cases. Not that I know a ton about the person they were talking about, but from what I have already heard, she sounds like one great woman.

I probably do like her. If not for one bit of detail.

I think I probably like another woman already.

See, I have this peculiar tendency to be loyal. I like the flavor of milk tea or ice cream that I first tasted. I tend to stay with the first group I am a part of in a particular stage of my life. I tend to only like one woman at a time.

So how would I get to like the woman I am being told about, if I probably like another woman? (Yeah, I tend to sometimes overthink this stuff.)

Funny thing is, I don't know a thing about this second girl. All I know is how she looks, as I've seen her plenty of times before. I don't even know her name! But what I do know is that I like how beautiful her hair is, how dazzling her eyes are, how charming her lips are, and how heart melting her smile is. When she speaks, it seems to have an enchanting and calming effect on me. She's just gorgeous and beautiful and pretty. And that may be an understatement.

Let's do a recap then shall we?

We have the first girl, whom I have no idea how she looks, at all, but I do have at least the smallest idea of what kind of person she is. I even know her name.

And then we have the second girl, who I get to see a lot, but I know nothing more about her. Not even her name.

Finally, we have me, yours truly, and my own sense of loyalty.

As funny (or sad, depending on how you look at things) as it is, I could never truly like either girl. I feel like I better have some sort of commitment (to myself) on who to like. So if you were in my place, who would you probably choose to like? The first or the second girl?

Luckily for me, I never had to make the choice.

They turned out to be the same girl.

:)

- - - - - - - - 

Playing in the Background:

Kama Supra - Eraserheads - Cutterpillow
"Bat di ka na lang sumama? Hihiga tayo at kakanta."

Hanggang Kailan - Orange and Lemons - Strike Whilst The Iron Is Hot
"Nakakabalisa, knock on wood wag naman sana"

One Hit Combo - Parokya ni Edgar feat. Gloc 9
"Si Kiko kay Gloc at ang Heads sa Parokya"

Akin Ka Na Lang - Itchyworms - Noon Time Show
"Di naman sa sinisiraan ko ang pangit na yan, wag ka dapat sakin magduda, hinding hindi kita pababayaan."

What A Catch, Donnie - Fall Out Boy
"I have troubled thoughts, and the self esteem to match, what a catch.."

Thinking Out Loud: Proving Grounds

Why do you want to prove them wrong?

 It probably is a universal human experience; being doubted that is. I'm sure you all have experienced someone not believing in you. Someone thinking you could not achieve or do whatever it is that you aspire to do. Someone who does not have any faith in you doing anything, in you amounting to anything. And usually they end it with a condescending laugh.

..and they point at you. POINT AT YOU DAMN IT!

The usual response to such situations? Why of course we want to prove them wrong! Prove 'em all doubters wrong and make them eat there words. We do what we can, focus our time and energy and skills to achieve and do whatever we are told we cannot do. Can't pass the exam? Oh sure I can. You won't get accepted in the varsity team? The hell I would be! You can't achieve your dreams of being a big shot blogger with a three story home and a personal air conditioned bus? You can bet I can!

We would do almost absolutely anything just to make sure we can one day achieve what they have deemed as impossible, and for us to shove it, implicitly or otherwise, it to their faces. All the while our inner selves are applauding ourselves for an excellent job.

Are you sensing a trend here?

But what if I tell you that i've been thinking about this the past few days (yes of course you've been, jeez) and I came up with something. Here me out here now. How about, instead of proving your doubters wrong, you instead prove your believers correct?

Now don't give me that face. I know it sounds like the exact same thing just viewed in a different light. But that exactly is what I was going for. A change in the way you view things could, and would, have a very significant difference. I'm also not saying that those two are mutually exclusive. Others might be saying right now "Well duh, ofcourse when you prove your doubters wrong, you are proving your believers correct at the same time. It ain't rocket science dude!", to which I respectfully disagree. There IS a difference. Let me expound on this.

You know I just have to put this in here somewhere.

I'd like to believe that doubters doubt (and alligators alligate... sorry) because they look at you at a negative light. You're weak, you're fragile, you're too small, you're too big, too skinny, too fat, too slow, too timid, too aggressive, and so on. Believers on the other hand, look at you and see positive things. You are strong, you are a leader, you are inspiring, you are tall enough, you have this and that skills, etc. But it isn't as black and white as we would like to think.

Say someone said you are weak. You proved them wrong. What did you accomplished? You showed them that you are NOT weak. But did you show them that you are strong? Not at all times does it mean that since you are not weak, you are strong. If I may do some analogy with mathematics here; Not just because you are not a negative number means that you are a positive number. There is zero, which is neither positive or negative. Likewise, that is how I view this situation; there is always a middle ground. You just proven that you are not weak, but you have yet to prove that you are strong.

See, that is why I now prefer to prove people that believed me that they are right in believing in me. It may look and feel like the difference is nothing but semantics, but for me the difference of what it implies is significant.

Someone said you're too ugly to be a model? Don't prove them wrong.
Someone said you're beautiful and can be a model? Prove them correct.

They say you're too short to be a basketball player? Don't prove them wrong.
They say you have a future in basketball because you are fast and smart? Prove them correct.

People say that government officials are corrupt? Don't prove those people wrong.
People say that government officials can still provide sincere public service? Prove these people correct.

You've been constantly turned down by the girls you like? Don't vow that one day their decision to turn you down would be proven wrong.
Instead, vow that one day, you'll prove that the decision of the girl that finally loves you back is correct.


Might as well as end this one with a Simpsons reference. Homer could easily want to prove Mr. Burns wrong, but instead, he looks at it in a different way. A visual reference would be in order:

Playing in the Background:

"If you show you are weak, you've accepted defeat."
-A Call To Arms, Urbandub

"Alam natin ang tama, bakit di natin ginagawa?"
-Dapat Tama, Gloc 9

"Marami ang namamatay sa maling akala."
-Maling Akala, Eraserheads


"Ang aking lihim na pakay, ay ang lahat ng ito'y gawing tunay."
-Love Team, Itchyworms

Thinking Out Loud: Baby Names!

When I am doing nothing and just staring in the empty space, my mind wanders and thinks of various stuff. "How does my back look?" "Why is my heart beating so fast?" "What will I be eating tomorrow night?" "That flower doesn't look like a flower." "What would happen if it rained chocolate?" "That cloud looks like a dog with wings." "I'm sure there is a Gundam under the Sunken Garden." "What would I name my kids?"

..and then I sometimes stop at a certain question or statement and take a longer time thinking about it. Like say, "Why would I name my kids?"

Yes, I have already thought what to name my future babies.

Babies!

I would like to have a lot of kids, ideally six (but really, 4 to 8 would be fine). Three boys and three girls. Of course, all of this would happen, maybe 8-10 years in the future. Likewise, all of these would depend greatly on my future-wife-whoever-she-may-be. But hey, it wouldn't hurt to have a "thought exercise" like this every now and then. Plus, it's babies!

Babies!

Okay, so let's start! There would be three boys, and three girls. My first born would be a boy, then a girl, and the pattern continues until the 6th baby.

Babie...eh ain't they cute?

Thinking Out Loud: What Day Is It Again?

Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, Today is a Gift, Thats why it's called the Present" 

No matter where you heard or read that quote, and you probably already had, it is quite true.

That being said, I'm not here to talk about that quote at all! I just want to talk about the days of the week, and what I personally think of them. I thought of writing this post when I am once again reminded of what my least favorite day of the week is. Let's start, shall we? :)

Monday - Yes, yes, I know, Monday is not technically the first day of the week. But we're not here for technicalities, right? Monday is fine by me, though I understand why most dislike Monday; it is after all, usually the first day of going to school and/or work. But that's just fine by me. I like going to school and work (I assume I would. I hope so). There is also the case of being in the company of your schoolmates and/or workmates. That is certainly a positive on most occasions.

Tuesday - Hey, the school / work week has just began, so I guess most are not even tired that much yet. Plus, if you are from UP (at least in most campuses), your school week may just actually be beginning. Personally, Tuesday is fun for me since for the past half decade, Tuesdays have been the day for the GA meetings of my organization, UP Tangway, and that is fun in itself. Not to mention that WWE's Monday Night Raw occurs every Tuesday here.

Hey, I'm a big pro-wrestling fan!                                                       

Wednesday - One word, manga. The so-called "Big Three" of manga comes out every Wednesday (technically, it is the translations, but you get the point). Not to mention that Wednesday is also PBA day. Wednesday is cool in my book simply for those reasons.

Plus, the mention of the Manga Big Three gives me an excuse to put this picture in.

Thursday - My least favorite day of the week hands down. Why? Lot's of reason actually. The week starts to get tiring at this point, it is almost Friday but not quite yet, there is nothing interesting on TV. The last point is actually interesting. I think my dislike for Thursday has roots in my childhood. See, I grew up during the time that anime dominated local TV, so much that there were anime from 4pm-6pm (before the nightly news), AND during the prime time(!). And if I remember correctly, those prime time animes were different for every day of the week (I remember Hell Teacher Nube for Mondays, and Vampire Hunter D for Wednesday). The anime that I like the least was usually on during Thursdays, so, I like Thursdays the least as well. Poor Thursday.

Friday - Ah! Fridays! Who doesn't like Fridays? PBA, Bubble Gang, end of the school/work week, honestly, do I even need to elaborate anymore?

Saturday - If there is one day to go out and enjoy the world, Saturdays would be it. Or you could spend the whole day having siesta. Or go out and watch a movie, or do household chores, or go shopping, or get a massage, or go on a food trip, or even just stay on bed all day. I love Saturdays. Why? I just do.

Sunday - Sundays are like..weird, in a sense. I still like Sundays. A day for retreat, for rest, for some more pampering. But at the same time, you know that happy days are ending (so to say), and that the week is about to start again. But me, personally, I look forward to Sundays, at the very least I get to play some basketball every Sundays.

 - - - - - - -

Playing on the Background:

Lying from You by Linkin Park:
"The very worst part of you is me."

Haruka Kanata by Asian Kung-fu Generation

Enter Sandman by Metallica:
"Exit light, enter night.."

Stan by Eminem:
"Stan, why are you so mad? Try to understand, that I didn't want you as a fan"

If You're Gone by Matchbox 20:
"There's a little bit of something in me, and everything in you."

Thinking Out Loud: Endings and Thoughts About It.

First, a quote from my favorite tv series, Scrubs.

Endings are never easy. I always build them up so much in my head that they can’t possibly live up to my expectations and I just end up disappointed. I’m not even sure why it matters to me so much how things end. I guess it’s because we all want to believe that what we do is very important. That people hang on to our every word, that they care what we think. The truth is, you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone, feel a little better. As my mind drifted to faces I’ve seen before, I was taken to memories of family, of coworkers, of lost loves… even of those who have left us. And as I rounded that corner they all came at me in a wave of shared experience. And even though it felt warm and safe, I knew it had to end. It’s never good to live in the past too long. The future can be whatever I want it to be. And who’s to say this isn’t what happens? Who can tell me that my fantasies won’t come true, just this once?

I'll just cut to the chase: I somehow, someway, suck at endings. I don't think there ever was an ending in any part of my life which did not leave me disappointed. Be it my high school graduation, my last moments in my provincial organization, or my college's recognition rites. After each and every one of it, I end up with a feeling that somehow resembles disappointment.

At first, I thought it was because, like what the quote above said, I build up these endings so much in my head that they can not possibly live up to what I have envisioned them to be. You know what they usually say, "Don't expect, because it'll only get you disappointed." The usual.

So recently, I tried to change my mind set, my approach to these 'endings'. I lowered my expectations, and heck, even attempted to not expect anything at all. I didn't think of any situation, I didn't make up any sequence of events and the like.

But recently I realized that wasn't the case. I still felt bad, and instead of disappointment, I think what I was feeling the whole time was emptiness. There was no emotion, at all. It seems like at every ending I encounter,  I have no emotional attachment to these things that are ending, or maybe more specifically, to the persons involved in whatever was ending. I used to think that no one cares for me, even if I care so much. But now, I feel like it is me who has a problem with caring. I feel like I care too much just for myself.

One more thought. When I looked at my friends feeling the moment of the recognition rites while I was just standing there, a thought popped into my mind. Could it be that the reason why I don't feel any of these endings is that because, there are no endings for me. What do I mean by that? Actually, two things.

First, and the darker thought among the two: There are no endings for me because there weren't anything to end to begin with. To put more detail into it, most people get all these emotions from the ties that they have built with whatever is ending; the institution and more specially the people connected with it. Emotions are on a high because of the bond that they have forged with their friends. How can I feel any of those emotions during endings, if there are no bonds in the first place?

Second, and a much more positive outlook: There are no endings for me because, a part of me, believes that this is not the end yet. So why would I get all emotional when deep inside my mind, even if I am not fully aware of it, I honestly believe that this is not yet the end. Yes, sure, things would change. But they always do.  And maybe, just maybe, the thought that things are always changing makes me believe that things wouldn't end just because there would be changes. Since I believe that things aren't ending yet, there is no ending for me then, and thus, none much of these emotions during such instances.

So which of the two would I prefer to believe at? Well definitely the second one! I guess it is counterproductive to believe at the first one, because really, what would one get from thinking in such a way?

Anyway, sorry for this negative post / rant. I just really needed to get that off of my chest. This is the fifth night that I would be spending all by myself, and trust me, it sucks. I never really felt the sting of truly being alone until yesterday, when I was sick and all, and yet I was all alone. Sucks I know, but hey, you know what they say. Nowhere to go but up!

- - - - - - - - - -

Playing on the Background:

Halik by Kamikazee:
"Pagnawala dun lang mamimiss.."

Mariposa by Sugarfree:
"Ayoko ng mag-isa, ayoko ng mag-isa, ayoko na na na na..."

Thinking Out Loud: What's Next?

Now that I am to graduate college in a few days (please no jinx!), I am about to enter a new part of my life. So the question arises:

What's next?

But before all of that, I would like to take a look back at the persons, groups, organizations, and institutions that was with me in this six year journey. I'd like to focus on them on separate posts, so, that is "What's next".

At first glance, It looks like I would be making at least three posts. Stay tuned. :D

Thinking Out Loud: On Laptops and Classes

     One of the highlights of the start of my academic year or semester is actually looking for and buying my notebooks and pens. Yes, I consider that as a highlight for some reason. But somehow, I think that that kind of thrill isn't something that the younger generations would experience as vivid as me and my peers did.

     See, just this semester I noticed something in one of my classes. As we were about to start the lectures and discussions, I pulled out my notebook and pen, ready to take down important notes. My seatmates did the same. Most of my classmates pulled out things from their bags as well. The thing is, it wasn't notebooks and pens, instead, it was laptops, iPads, and digital cameras. While I was writing, they were typing and taking pictures. While I was turning to the next page, they were pressing enter. While I was crossing out mistakes, they were pressing the backspace key or deleting pictures.

    And it wasn't isolated to that one particular class either. In my other class wherein a lot of my classmates where freshmen, this also happened. And it was even the freshmen who were using their laptops and iPads. It kind of caught me by surprise, is this now the norm?

     I remember it very clearly, back when I was a freshman in 2007, laptops were almost exclusively seen used by the students that really needed it (e.g. students taking up BS Computer Science), or by the students who came from wealthier families. I'll probably have around two or three classmate who would use their laptops to take down notes. There were already those taking photos of presentation slides, but most used their camera phones, contrast to today's digicams and DSLRs. I even remember I had some classmates use their cellphones to record what the professor was saying during the lectures, only for them to listen to it later on to check if they missed something during the lecture. 

     Now, what am I getting at? I am in no way saying that using laptops and cameras are bad, or the students would learn less if they use laptops instead of notebooks and pens. This tells me two things. First, is that the population of the students in the university is certainly trending into having students from richer families. One may argue that the lowering costs of laptops may actually be the cause of the increase in number of student laptop users, and not because that they come from wealthier families. I won't argue against that. However, when the laptops that you see are more of the Macs, HPs, and Sony Vaios, instead of the laptop notebooks, then I tend to think that that is because to be coming from a more well of family. Now, is this a bad thing? Not necessarily. If these "rich kids" are also the most qualified students to enter the university, then there is absolutely no issue.

     Second, it just shows me how fast technology is evolving and is becoming more accessible. Like I said, just as few as five years ago, classrooms just felt so traditional and, pardon the pun, old school. Now, it feels so familiar, yet very different. It makes me think, how much more will the classrooms change in another five years? in a decade? Will notebooks be essentially "extinct" in the foreseeable future? 

Thinking Out Loud - Creating Creativity

Bakit ka excited?


Well, yeah. I am excited about this. I am set to graduate in a year, and part of it is taking graduation pictures. One category among these grad pics is the creative picture. From the word itself, it is a picture where you can be as creative as you want to be! I've been excited for this since my first year in college. And now that I am more or less two months away from having my creative pic, I still can't decide on what to do!

Here are some of my ideas after the jump!

Thinking Out Loud - The Anatomy of The I-Love-You

Bakit I-Love-You?


Yeah, this probably would be just another of one of those cheesy posts, or one of those posts that make me sound like I know everything, and mostly, this is the one of the posts that when I look back at 3-4 years time, I'll just go "Haha! What a doofus!"



But hey, I had such a lightbulb moment a few days ago and it would be such a waste to just let it fly by. So i've got to write it. Write write write!

Therefore, The Anatomy of the I-Love-You.

What is in the I-Love-You?

Simple!

I.

Love; and

You.


Let's start with the I.

Love others by loving yourself.


You can't love others if you do not love yourself first.


Love for others come from love of ones self.


And a lot more variation of that quote, which all mean the same thing. You must love yourself first before being able to love others. One must know thyself before being able to love others. It is a cliche, but it is a cliche for a reason, and that is because, it is true.


Have you ever bought something, anything, from anyone selling whatever when he himself seems unsure of the product? Of course not! Mamaya malason pa ako riyan!


Same thing, albeit in a much much simplified manner. How can you really say, and prove, that YOU love someone, when you yourself don't love yourself, and don't even seem to know HOW TO LOVE. 

How then do you love yourself? That is for you to know. Simply because of how I look at the second word.

LOVE


WHAT IS LOVE?

That could be the one question in the world that has the most answers, both correct and wrong answers. Love is a four letter word, love is blind, love is like the wind, love is me, you, us. Have your pick, you won't run out of definitions of love.

Why is it so? I think it is because love is different for each and everyone of us.

How we feel love, how we make others feel love, what we consider as love, how we fall in love, how we look at love, how much we love, and so on and so forth. In short, how we define love.

You look at love at a different light as I look at love. I am 100% sure at that. That doesn't mean that how I look at love is the right, or better way of looking at it, the same way that how you look at love is better than how I do. It's just different. Just that.

I am a person filled to the rim with my kind of love. I love people easy. Heck, I fall for people easily. People would say that I should guard my heart, but those same people would say that I shouldn't and couldn't stop myself from loving people. So what is it really? This all roots from the point that I look at love at a different way than they do. Am I correct? Are they correct? Neither.

Now how does this relate to the anatomy of the I-Love-You?

Simple, knowing what YOUR love is goes a long way into knowing what we are giving. It helps us manage our feelings better. It gives you understanding of what to and how much to expect (because really, those that say "Never expect anything" are speaking nonsense. Expectations can never, ever, be terminated).

Back in the analogy of the salesman, you could be the most confident salesman in the world, but that would mean nothing if you do not know what your product is.

"Oh hi! I have this really awesome product that I give my greatest and utmost recommendations! It is literally the greatest thing ever!....What's that? What kind of product this is? Well uh...let me check the catalog.. So..yeah...greatest..ever....greatest...thing...ever.. Just a minute... Uhh,, do you really need to know more besides it being the greatest thing ever?"

Well, yes. I need to. Who knows, mamaya malason pa ako riyan.

Finally, as Soulja Boy would say, YOU! 

(well actually, he'll say, Youuuuuu.. but you get the point.)

Now you know the I, you know the You, time to get to know the YOU.

Simply put, how can you truly love someone without knowing the YOU. This is not to dispel Love-at-First-Sight for you people that believe at that, so bear with me here.

Knowing YOU does not exactly mean that you need to be super close friends with someone before really loving them, nor does that mean that everyone has to go through the "getting to know each other" phase. I frankly believe that that could go hand-on-hand, side-by-side. You fall in love, you love someone, while getting to know the one you love.

Everyday, you get to know her more.

Everyday, you fall in love with her more.

Everyday, you love her.

You find things that you both like, say an internet site like 9gag, or a comedy series like How I Met Your Mother, or a movie like The Avengers. You find things that you disagree on, like Robin and Barney, or Robin and Ted.   You find out things that there is absolutely no connection with, like say, she studies chemicals, you study public policies. You find out things that are cute, like the way she says "Hi guys!", or the way she laughs. You find out things that are, kinda unique to her, like her favorite artists being Maroon 5, or Somedaydream, or her being a grammar nazi, or her being a fan of science related articles.

The point is, each and everyday, you get to know her more. And as you know her more, you love her more. YOUR love for her evolves in such a way that it fits both of you.

Analogy time again, you cannot sell the greatest thing on earth without knowing who to sell to.

You can't sell a comb to a bald man. You can't sell a PS3 game to an XBox 360 owner. You can't sell an Ilocano-Cebuano dictionary to an American based Brit.

You need to know the one.

In conclusion,
I - Knowing one's self.
Love - Knowing one's love
You -Knowing one's love one.

Simple, yet complicated. But ain't them all?

And oh yeah,

I love you. :)  

Thinking Out Loud - Caught in the Middle

Bakit ba pag wala ka na, ako'y kulang? Ako'y kulang?

Have you ever had that feeling that you missed out on something? Like when you look back that the things that you have done, you wish you could have done more, or done it better? When you see other people having fun and thinking, "Why couldn't have I do that too?"

Yeah, I know, it sound sourgraping. And yes, I also know that if I keep dwelling on this the chances are I would be missing out on opportunities to actually have fun, in essence, to live!

But let me just share what I have in mind right now. It's just that, i feel like I have never really lived in the moment, I never lived in the present. I was either in the past, or in the future.

When I entered college, and through my first three years, I lived with my brother, together with his (and eventually mine as well) friends and orgmates. It was a great house, definitely a home away from home. One of the most unforgettable moments of my life. Something I would never regret. I was 16 back then, and most of them were around 20 years old. It was great! I heard countless stories that would make them laugh until the break of dawn, moments wherein even with the lights turned off, all it took was a slight remark from someone to elicit their memories from years past and trigger a night of laughter and stories. Drunken nights, timeless stories, real friendship. It was priceless.

Back then, I swore to myself to have friends similar to those that my brother had. Not that I want to be like my brother, this is not a case of me comparing myself to him. It is just a case of seeing something so great, and wishing to have something that would have the same effect. Not the same, but just something alike. I just wished to have friends to grow up with, make mistakes with, and have experiences that later on would be stories to tell and laugh about. In a nutshell, I want to be in a similar situation as my kuyas and ates were when I first met them.

But of course, them being older than me, they had to move on to other things. Work, career, some even started or will start their own families. Every now and then, we would still get together, though I think we have not been complete for at least two years. That being said, I started to develop new friendship with new people, mostly those that are younger than me. This was the set up for the next two years, and most likely for this coming 6th and final year.

During those years, I saw them live out stories similar to those that I have heard from my kuyas and ates. Adventures, growing up together, making mistakes and looking like idiots. Laughter, cries, screams, high fives, hugs, and songs sang on the karaoke. I was around 19 or 20 at that time, they were 16 or 17.

You know where this one is going.

Back when I was 16, looking at my 19 year old friends, I caught a glimpse of what I want, a part of my future to be like. To be able to tell tales of experiences that would be so simple, yet so memorable.

When I was 19, looking at my 16 year old friends, I caught a glimpse of what I wanted my a part of my past to be. To be able to experience adventures that would translate to tales the would be so simple, yet so memorable.

In essence, I missed the present.

Sure, I do laugh, real laugh with them. Whenever I hear the stories of the past, or see stories happen in real time, I laugh my heart out. But the difference is, I was never a part of it.

When my brother and his friends shared stories, I laughed together with them, I had a grand time. Mostly because those stories were great and funny. But they who have experienced it themselves would be feeling something deeper. They would be reliving some of their best memories.

When I see my friends go through great, and at time embarrassing experiences, I am with them in laughter and fun. But I could never tell those stories with much joy and bliss as they would be able  to, as I was never a part of it.

It is like similar to being the cameraman. You take the picture, you see the picture, you know a lot about the picture, when it was taken, where, who was in it. BUT, you never are a part of the picture.

And now, I'm on my last year. I spent the first three years of my college life wishing to have that special bond, and I have seen in the latter two years those bonds being formed by other people.

One year to go, is it too late for me?