Thinking Out Loud - Caught in the Middle

Bakit ba pag wala ka na, ako'y kulang? Ako'y kulang?

Have you ever had that feeling that you missed out on something? Like when you look back that the things that you have done, you wish you could have done more, or done it better? When you see other people having fun and thinking, "Why couldn't have I do that too?"

Yeah, I know, it sound sourgraping. And yes, I also know that if I keep dwelling on this the chances are I would be missing out on opportunities to actually have fun, in essence, to live!

But let me just share what I have in mind right now. It's just that, i feel like I have never really lived in the moment, I never lived in the present. I was either in the past, or in the future.

When I entered college, and through my first three years, I lived with my brother, together with his (and eventually mine as well) friends and orgmates. It was a great house, definitely a home away from home. One of the most unforgettable moments of my life. Something I would never regret. I was 16 back then, and most of them were around 20 years old. It was great! I heard countless stories that would make them laugh until the break of dawn, moments wherein even with the lights turned off, all it took was a slight remark from someone to elicit their memories from years past and trigger a night of laughter and stories. Drunken nights, timeless stories, real friendship. It was priceless.

Back then, I swore to myself to have friends similar to those that my brother had. Not that I want to be like my brother, this is not a case of me comparing myself to him. It is just a case of seeing something so great, and wishing to have something that would have the same effect. Not the same, but just something alike. I just wished to have friends to grow up with, make mistakes with, and have experiences that later on would be stories to tell and laugh about. In a nutshell, I want to be in a similar situation as my kuyas and ates were when I first met them.

But of course, them being older than me, they had to move on to other things. Work, career, some even started or will start their own families. Every now and then, we would still get together, though I think we have not been complete for at least two years. That being said, I started to develop new friendship with new people, mostly those that are younger than me. This was the set up for the next two years, and most likely for this coming 6th and final year.

During those years, I saw them live out stories similar to those that I have heard from my kuyas and ates. Adventures, growing up together, making mistakes and looking like idiots. Laughter, cries, screams, high fives, hugs, and songs sang on the karaoke. I was around 19 or 20 at that time, they were 16 or 17.

You know where this one is going.

Back when I was 16, looking at my 19 year old friends, I caught a glimpse of what I want, a part of my future to be like. To be able to tell tales of experiences that would be so simple, yet so memorable.

When I was 19, looking at my 16 year old friends, I caught a glimpse of what I wanted my a part of my past to be. To be able to experience adventures that would translate to tales the would be so simple, yet so memorable.

In essence, I missed the present.

Sure, I do laugh, real laugh with them. Whenever I hear the stories of the past, or see stories happen in real time, I laugh my heart out. But the difference is, I was never a part of it.

When my brother and his friends shared stories, I laughed together with them, I had a grand time. Mostly because those stories were great and funny. But they who have experienced it themselves would be feeling something deeper. They would be reliving some of their best memories.

When I see my friends go through great, and at time embarrassing experiences, I am with them in laughter and fun. But I could never tell those stories with much joy and bliss as they would be able  to, as I was never a part of it.

It is like similar to being the cameraman. You take the picture, you see the picture, you know a lot about the picture, when it was taken, where, who was in it. BUT, you never are a part of the picture.

And now, I'm on my last year. I spent the first three years of my college life wishing to have that special bond, and I have seen in the latter two years those bonds being formed by other people.

One year to go, is it too late for me?
           

Thinking Out Loud - It's a Small World After All?

Bakit mo pa ako kailangan, sa dinami dami ng kaibigan mo?

Let me rant for a little here, would you?

I'm not exactly the person to have a large social circle. I have a few close friends from the college, then friends from elementary and HS (whom I get to hang out maybe three, four times a year), and then from my organization (UP Tangway), and then, that's that.

Having a smaller social circle than others, I tend to gravitate and give importance to them much more than they would to me. I don't really complain about that, since I still feel that I am a significant part of their lives, it's just that they have a bigger social circle. No biggie.

Pictured: NOT me.

What bothers me to no end are those persons that just don't seem to care for you AT ALL, even after caring for them. It is just so frustrating, to then, see them care for others, for them to appreciate other people. It's like they suddenly turn off their "care" button when they look at you. And I'm NOT talking about romance or love life here. I am talking about friends! It's like they NEVER enjoy their time with you, but they do with other people. It feels like you can explode in rage and just accept sadness at the same time.

And the worst part of it, it seems like they enjoy the company of those people that does NOT even really care for them sincerely. I know one shouldn't care for someone just to be cared for, but IT.JUST.SUCKS. It just does. That's the truth. You don't want to accept me caring for you, don't want to appreciate me, think of me as boring, then fine. I can't do anything any more. I don't know if I am making any sense at all, but eh, I guess you have such big world that I am as significant as an ant to you. Too bad, you are one of the persons that I truly cared for. But you just don't care.

Y U NO APPRECIATE ME???!?

I guess the best course of action is just to care less, besides, they do say that you'll only see the value of something once it is lost, right?